You Taught Me
by bloody-iris
Summary: Harry is dead, and someone is reflecting on their life together. Ignores HBP. One shot


You Taught Me…

Disclaimer – don't own anything at all. Sadly. But oh well

A/N – wrote this over a progression of shitty days, when I was meant to be doing physics. So it's kinda weird.

You taught me that it's ok to feel and laugh and love. But at the same time you accepted my numbness and depression. I can't tell you how much that impacted me, because I don't truly know. But…now you're gone…and all I have to comfort myself with is the memories of you, us and the lessons you taught me.

I remember that you were constantly telling me to slow down…that there was plenty of time later on. But…now you've left me. There is all the time in the world left. But I don't know what to do with it. I love you, you know. Maybe I didn't tell you that often enough…but I have always and will always love you. With every fibre of my being. You are my love, my heart, and my soul. Without you, I am but part of who I used to be. I close my eyes and I can hear your voice. "Slow down my love. We have forever, just the two of us." But we don't. Because you were taken away from me. So I'm left to die without you. I only hold on to the hope that you're waiting for me wherever I go…

Did you know that I hated being mad at you? It nearly killed me not being able to talk to you. It was funny…you always knew I'd give in first, yet you let me feel like I won most of our arguments. You have no idea what that meant to me. Everyone thought of me as the cold, collected on that won any and all arguments. In a way, you let me keep that image – at least in public. At home, or when we were by ourselves, it was I who looked up to you. I know you hate me saying it, but you were my superior. I told you that once, remember? You got so mad at me, and tried to make me breakfast in bed. The toast was burned black. But…to me, it was still delicious. You were always the dominant one of us. And I loved the feeling that you were in control of me. You were so different to all the other men in my life who had tried to control me – my father, the Dark Lord, and even Zambini when we dated – but when you were in control, it gave me shivers up my spine. I loved it.

Do you remember our first anniversary? That was one of the first time's I'd been truly happy in my life. You brought me a silver ring, with _'to be with you would be a dream come true'_ inscribed in it. I read that and cried. Because…that was my dream…when school ended I would fall asleep dreaming of you, and the first words on my lips when I woke up were always "I love you Harry". It didn't matter who I was sharing my bed with – in fact, I didn't always know who I was sharing it with. At the time I was trying to fill a hole in my life – a hole that I found when we finished school, and said goodbye to ever seeing you again. But…you came back into my life and swept me off my feet – literally. When I saw you again in London, I couldn't believe that it was actually you. I guess I thought you died in the war, because I didn't really hear anything about you afterwards. But, there you were my love. Standing there, looking confused. I admit, I did a double take at first. And now, I just sit and recall that first beautiful moment. It's like a movie running through my head.

Would you like to know what the happiest day of my life was? It was the day of our bonding ceremony. I mean, when you proposed to me, I couldn't imagine why you would want to spend the rest of your life with me. I remember, when you asked, you looked so hesitant and unsure of yourself. I couldn't believe that you would think I would turn you down. The idea didn't even cross my mind. But…you always had a fear of rejection, didn't you love? I mean, who would have thought that the great Harry Potter was scared of people not liking him? Although…for people who really knew you, it began to make sense…first the muggles you lived with…and then you came to Hogwarts, hardly knowing what you had done, or how your actions had affected the whole wizarding world. People only knew the famous Harry Potter. They didn't know you love, they knew an image. It's not something I'd admit readily, but I'm really glad you had Rona Hermione and the Weasley twins to help you. I think they gave you the best balance – the smarts, the sports, and the pranks. And Merlin, I still remember the pranks those two used to play. You mightn't believe me, but I went into Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes the other day It was nice seeing how well the two of them are doing for themselves. They still feel bad that they didn't pay back your Triwizard Tournament winnings.

Oh Merlin, the tournament. I was one of the first ones to run over and see if it was you who had come back. No-one knew why I was doing it – I suppose they thought I wanted to gloat – but…if you had died without me telling you how I feel I wouldn't have survived. I'm barely hanging on as it is. I remember in the months after the tournament how much I wanted to tell you how I felt. You always looked so depressed. I was so incredibly worried about you my darling. But, I didn't have your Gryffindor courage, so I said nothing. I watched as you withered away. I hated myself then…I wanted to tell you how I felt, but…I didn't want ti lose my "reputation". And…I was scared of how you'd react. I never thought you'd feel the same…turns out I wasn't the only one.

After seeing you in London, I didn't know what to think. For so long I had reconciled myself to never seeing you again. But…there you were. I remember you were looking in the window of a music store. Despite how I acted at school, I had nothing against muggles. Everyone knew me at that shop. And…there you were. I couldn't believe it was you. I did a double take, and, not believing my eyes, I had to come closer and see if it really was you. And…there you were. I got home that night and cried. I was so glad it was really you my love.

I remember when I first started being depressed, seeing you always brought a ray of light into my day. But then…after school finished, I regressed even further than ever before. It was also more dangerous for me, because at school if I ever hurt myself I could go to see Poppy Pomfrey, or talk to Sev. It's funny calling him that, and I know you never got used to it, but he was more of a father to me than my own father ever was. But then…I left school. And…all of my support bases just disappeared. And…a couple of times I went to far…and ironically it was a muggle suicide method that nearly killed me. Did you know that if you cut your jugular you have something like seven to eight minutes to live? I learnt that. And yet, all I could think about was seeing you again. Some days I couldn't even get out of bed I felt so sore and weak. Others I spent going about my business with that cold, emotionless façade up, because that was what was expected of me. On the inside…it was like I was going through an emotional breakdown. I felt like laughing and crying at the same time. Only my close friends knew how I felt, but they couldn't do a thing about it.

It's winter here at the moment. I've always preferred winter. I suppose because the bleakness always suited my mood. As I told you before, I went into the Weasley's shop…and I also did my Yule shopping. Oh Gods Harry, I don't want another one without you. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries…they're all painful reminders of what I used to have. But…everyone was staring at me in Diagon Alley. I could hear them talking about us, and how you've gone. It was like I had betrayed you.

Do you remember the first time Dumbledore came to our house? I was so nervous…I tried to transfigure one of our aprons into a more 'manly' colour, like black. But…sadly, all I could manage was this lurid, pink, fluffy thing. So there I was…actually cooking in this thing and I tried to flip a pancake. Except then Dumbledore walked through the kitchen and the stupid, half-cooked pancake got stuck in the light fixture. And there I was…looking like a complete and utter fool. I cried that night. I had wanted to convince him that I, what with our past differences, was good for you. But then…you took me in your arms and I knew it was ok. I was good enough for you. And you were more than I could ever imagine. You cared for me when no-one else would even look at me. You loved me for the person I am, not the image I projected to the rest of the world.

You taught me how to live. You made me a new person. A good person that I wasn't ashamed of in my heart.

I remember the first time we went into muggle London together. I was so amazed at how they managed to get by without magic. I still can't manage. So all I am doing is biding my time, waiting until I can join you my love.

It's so cold…I'm cold. And since you've left I have become cold and empty. And this emptiness is taking over my life, it's totally consuming. Like grief, except lonelier. Because no-one else understands. And, even if they try, they will never understand. They tell me it's alright, that it's ok to miss you. That it will begin to get better when I accept you've gone. I know you've gone, that you won't be back. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier. Because I still miss you with every fibre of my body. And I can't survive without you.

Were you watching your funeral my darling? I wanted it to be perfect. Just like you. Did I do you justice my love? I'll tell you about it, in case you weren't watching. But, really, I believe you were there. At least…I wanted you to be there.

Everyone was there my love. More than at our wedding. And everyone cried. Even my mother. But now you're with your mother. Are you happy now? I hope you are…

I wanted everything to be perfect for you…for the celebration of your life and the mourning of you death. Everyone was wearing black robes with their family colours on the cuffs. They carried either a white lily or a black rose. I thought…that you'd like the contrast…black and white, dark and light. And yet both unbelievably pure. Dumbledore did the ceremony, and then Ron, Hermione, and I made speeches. When I stood at that pulpit, and looked out at all the people who love you, I felt so small and insignificant. In the face of this out-pouring of love, I finally felt like people accepted our relationship. Even before I began speaking, I could feel the tears pouring down my cheeks. It feels like I haven't ceased crying in years. I know I haven't stopped crying since you left me.

"Thankyou for all coming today. I know in my heart that Harry is happy where he is. And I know that sounds clichéd, but it's true. I loved Harry with every fibre of my being, and…I can't bear to let him go. Truth be told, I never will let go. And so, here today, I believe that we have come together not only to mourn his passing, but to celebrate the life of Harry James Potter. Harry meant so many different things to so many of us. But we all loved him in our own way. I know that not all of you accepted that I had no ulterior motives in loving Harry. But I loved him with all my heart, I was always drawn to Harry. And then, by the time I was fourteen, I realised that I didn't hate him…I loved him. Fighting with him was the only way I could ever talk to him. So, I continued. After we left school I gave up hope of ever seeing Harry again. But then I saw him in London…and it filled a hole in my heart that had been there since we left Hogwarts and I thought that I'd lost my chance to tell Harry how I felt. When we were together it didn't matter who and what we used to be. When we were together we were simply two men in love. I miss Harry and will love him forever. He has and always will be in my heart. Please everyone, join me in celebrating the life of Harry James Potter."

I needed Ron's help to walk down the two stairs back to my seat, because my legs were shaking so badly.

Harry Potter, I love you, and I will always love you. Which…is why I have to do this. I have to be with you my darling. Now that I've loved you I cannot go on without you.

I wanna wake up where you are

I won't say anything at all

So why don't you slide

Ooh, slide

And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete

Little pieces of the nothin' that fall

Oh, May

Put your arms around me

What you feel is what you are

And what you are is beautiful

Oh, May

Do you wanna get married Or run away?

And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete

Little pieces of the nothin' that fall

Oh, May

Put your arms around me

What you feel is what you are

And what you are is beautiful

Oh, May

Do you wanna get married

Or run away?

I wanna wake up where you are

I won't say anything

All my life and love,

Draco Potter.

_-- ---_

Slide, by the Goo Goo Dolls.


End file.
